Happy late birthday to me!

A few days ago was my birthday (on april 11th), I turned 33! Seriously, time is flying by! And I feel so old when I say that ha haa. I am completely convinced that no one should have to work on their birthdays, there should be a law or something lol. But people at work were nice, they brought balloons and a cake, so that was sweet. After work my family and I went to a Chinesse restaurant. The food was so good, I ate a lot. I got a pair of boots from my mom, some lotion from my dad, a sweater from my sister, a purse from mom´s boyfriend, and some tealight holding things from my brother. We didn´t have a cake but I blew candles on some kind of dessert ha haa. Well I did have the cake at work though. So it was a nice day, even though I don´t really care for my birthday.

Oh my girlfriend sent me something too, but I haven´t received it yet. She also sent me some really hot pictures of herself! ;) Haa haa! Speaking of her, I don´t know why we have soo many missunderstandings sometimes. It´s like, things are going great, and all of a sudden we either can´t understand each other, or can´t really talk to each other, one of us gets quiet and the other one gets annoyed, and it ends up turning into something big when it doesn´t need to. It´s pretty frustrating, cause neither of us wants to fight. But it just happens over and over and we can´t seem to stop it. I think part of it is that we can only talk over the phone, which I think makes things harder, cause you can´t see the other person and all. *Shrugs*

I wanted to thank everybody for their comments on the last entry, it really helps put things in perspective, and it´s good to have other points of view. You guys are amazing! :)

Today is cold here, I hate cold days, well it´s winter now so it should get colder brrrr. I would be happy to live all year in summer I swear lol. Anyway, I´ll be a bum today and probably won´t do much. Tomorrow we will probably go to the mall cause I want to exchange the sweater my sister gave to me for another color, black lol, I just love black and can´t help it! Take care! :)

Ranting

Ok so I need to vent a bit…. Last night I was talking to my girlfriend about her moving here and all, and we’re both excited but at the same time kinda nervous and scared. That’s normal right? I mean, I understand her being nervous about moving to a different country, where she just knows me, and we speak a different language and all. I just don’t want her to be like super scared. And I’m kinda nervous too, because she will basically depend on me completely at least at first, and I don’t know, I just want everything to work out. I’m also nervous cause it will be a big change for me, I’ve never had a girlfriend here in Chile, and I’m sure it won’t be easy. People are not as open minded as they are in other places, like the US, so I know having a girlfriend won’t be the easiest thing. Ahhh I don’t know I’m just nervous about everything, is this me just being silly, should I just try to relax and not worry so much about everything? Cause I really want her to come here, I just feel responsible for her cause she’s so much younger and all. I know this must be so much scarier and harder for her too, I just want her to be happy about it and not so scared. I don’t even know if I’m making much sense, am I? lol

We have waited for soooo long, that now that the time is getting closer and closer, I think we’re both freaking out a little. But all we both want are for things to work out. Well anyway, that was my rant for today. I would like to know what you all think.

I´m kinda back

Hi everybody.

I’m sorry I completely disappeared for so long, I went on vacation, then I had to return a little sooner than planned cause my dad’s blood pressure was really high, so I got scared. He is doing ok now, but he needs to take a lot of meds. Then I realized that I was depressed… that I didn’t really enjoy the vacation like I thought I would, and that I was just too stressed to be able to be ok. So I started taking anti depressants and they have been helping a lot I think, I feel better now.

Work has just been really stressing, I have a lot more responsibilities and I’m not really sure about how to do a lot of the things I’m doing so it’s scary. But I have faith that I will be able to do a good job. It just doesn’t leave a lot of free time, since I used to post while I was at work before ha ha. So those are basically the reasons why I have been gone. I don’t really think that I can keep up writing the blog regularly, and reading everybody’s blogs, cause of the lack of time, but I’m going to try to, cause I love reading about everyone and sharing the things that happen to me.

My kitty that wasn’t doing so well before, is doing pretty good now, so I’m really happy about that. He’s so freaking adorable lol, well I love my 3 kitties.

Things with my girlfriend have ups and downs, but all in all we have been ok. The day when she will come here is getting closer and closer, I can’t believe how fast time is going by. I really can’t wait, I don’t like being alone, I want to have her with me to be able to do stuff together (don’t think dirty thoughts lol). I know it will be hard too though, because I’ll have to tell people that don’t know about me being a lesbian, my friends and all, and I really don’t know how they will react. I’m glad my family knows and they are supportive, but people here are so closed minded, that’s one thing I don’t like. But I’ll deal with it, I need to do what makes me happy, no matter what the rest think right?

Anyway, I´m sorry for disappearing, I´ll try to catch up some with everybody and hope that you guys still remember me lol. ;)

Going on Vacation!

I’ve been crazy busy this week cause it’s my last week before vacationnn! I leave saturday, and I’m so glad cause I need them really really bad. But it’s been kinda tough too, cause my kitty worries me a lot, he eats sometimes, other times he doesn’t want to, and since I’m not home all day, I can’t be sure about how much he’s eating, cause I have 2 other kitties. I’ve been thinking if I should leave him at the vet’s or at home, and I think I’m just going to leave him at home, cause he will get so stressed at the vet’s for 2 weeks, that I’m afraid it might be worse for him. I’m not sure yet though, I just want my baby to be ok while I’m away.

My girlfriend was in a car accident monday, she got hit by a pick up truck. I’m so glad that she was wearing her seatbelt, she’s ok, just a little sore, but it was very scary. I hate that I wasn’t able to be there for her, but I’m so glad that she’s ok. Her car is pretty messed up though, but that’s not important.

So I’m leaving saturday, for 2 weeks, I’m going to a place in the middle of the mountains, it’s very nice and quiet and relaxing. Exactly what I need right now. I’ll just miss talking to my girlfriend, cause like I said before, cel phones don’t work there, so I will only be able to call her probably a couple of times. She’s really sad, but she’s trying to be good about it. But I just keep thinking, that when I come back it will be march already. It’s crazy how time is flying! Which is a good thing, cause it means, less time til she can come over here! Yay! :)

This was my second Valentine’s day with my girlfriend, and we have been apart for both of them. I know it’s just a day like any other, but it would have been nice to be able to spend it with her. She got on webcam for me though, and she’s so pretty! :) I love seeing her.

Anyway, I wanted to thank everybody for their comments, it makes me happy to read them. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to read blogs this week cause of work being so crazy. And now I’ll be gone for 2 weeks, but I’ll catch up with everybody when I get back from my vacation. I hope to be able to chat with some of you too. I’ll read you guys in 2 weeks!

I hate waiting

It’s so hard waiting… waiting for everything. I feel like my life’s on hold right now. I’m kinda cranky today cause I REALLY need a vacation, like NOW! I need to talk to my boss again to see when can I actually take my 2 weeks off, cause I’m at a point where I can barely work.

So I’m waiting… waiting for my vacation. Waiting to see if I get the loan for the apartment I’m buying, waiting to finally have my own place again. Waiting until my girlfriend can finally move over here. Have I mentioned that I REALLY hate waiting? Well I do. Maybe today everything seems worse cause I’m just exhausted.

So this is just a venting post, I want to feel like some things in my life are working out good, and right now I feel like everything is in the air, and that frustrates me a lot.

On another subject… when I take my 2 week vacation, I won’t really be able to talk to my girlfriend on the phone much, cause the place I’m going to is in the middle of the mountains and has no cel phone signal. So I know L will be upset and all, but I hope she understands that I really need the time off. This long distance thing is so hard, but I’m glad that we’ve been doing good lately. I just want to be done waiting… ok?

I want to skip a few months

So my bosses are back from their vacation, and I have to actually WORK! Ugh so annoying lol. But I was thinking, well I just HAVE to update my blog right? ;) I don’t feel like I usually have much to say, but I’ll think of something ha ha.

My kitty Guaton is doing a little better, he has been eating some on his own, so that’s really good. Plus I’ve been buying really yummy stuff for him to eat lol, I have to spoil my baby. I love my 3 kitties so so much, they are so adorable.

So things with my girlfriend have been good lately, which makes me pretty happy. We both have strong tempers, and sometimes we tend to fight a lot, even though we live far away from each other. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the long distance thing that frustrates both of us and makes us fight more, or if it’s just our tempers. But we are going through a good time lately, and I’m really glad cause it’s really draining to be fighting with the person you love all the time. It just gets so hard when we are both working and have little time to talk. I have to say I NEVER thought I could wait for her this long. It’s been a year and 2 months since I last (and first) saw her, and I really can’t believe it’s been that long already. We have a countdown for the day she’s coming here, and it’s crazy how fast time is going! :) Can I just sleep for the next 6 months and wake up when she’s here? lol I really wish I could!

I wonder how things are going to be when she actually gets here, I know I shouldn’t be dreaming about the future so much, but it’s hard not to. I want to know if she’s going to like it here, if we’ll be good together, so many things.

Right now I’m living with my mom (It’s only TEMPORARY lol), but I’m trying to get a loan to buy my own apartment… our own apartment, I really hope it works out, it would be so cool to have our own place and not have to rent. If it all works out, I should be moving into the new apartment around june, and my girlfriend should be getting here in august. Goddd can I fast forward a few months? Lol

I love my girlfriend

So I’m still pretty worried about my kitty Guaton.I spent all weekend just trying to get him to eat. And he ate some, I just have to keep trying to make him want to eat, cause he looks weak and has no appetite. He’s one of my babies and I worry a lot about him. Thanks so much to everybody for the good vibes for my baby. I have 3 kitties and I know how important it is that they eat, cause they get liver problems if they don’t. So I’m watching him closely, and I’m in touch with the vet. It just sucks that I have to work so I can’t watch him or make him eat while I’m at work ugh. I hope that he pulls through on his own, cause if he doesn’t start eating, the vet will have to put a feeding tube. I’ve been though that with another kitty, and it’s really not fun...

My girlfriend has been so good to me, I don’t know how she puts up with me sometimes, I swear. I’ve been so upset and stressed with work, and now my kitty, that my mood hasn’t exactly been the best. But she’s always there telling me how much she loves me and how important I am to her… She makes me melt I swear. And sometimes I wonder how can she love me so much, cause I feel like I’m a mess. I can’t wait until she can be here with me, I really really miss her so much. Can it be august already?

You know, reading all these blogs about families with 2 moms, has made me think about it more. I always thought that if I was in a lesbian relationship, I wouldn’t ever have kids. But I’ve been seeing how many couples there are out there, who have beautiful families, or are expecting a baby, and it gives me hope, that maybe some day, that could be me.

One of my kitties is sick

I’m so worried about one of my kitties… he hasn’t been eating much lately. I got him checked and they didn’t find anything really. But he still doesn’t want to eat, and if he doesn’t start eating really soon, he will get very sick… I just don’t know what to do, I’ve tried giving him things that he might like but he won’t really eat anything right now… sighs.

So I’ll answer a question Sandra asked me. I was born in the US, and we lived there only for like 2 years, then we came to Chile and we have lived here since then. My mom and dad are both Chilean. I didn’t like living in the US when I went there, from 2000 – 2003, no offense to anyone, but I just missed my family way too much, and I could only see them for 2 weeks a year. That’s just not enough for me.

So when things started with my girlfriend, the first thing I told her was that I was not going to move to the US again, I was really unhappy when I was living there. So she said she would move here, it might sound selfish of me, but I already tried living there, and I had a really hard time. So that’s the reason why I don’t want to move back there. I think it´s harder being a lesbian over here, it´s less common than in the US, people are more judgmental, but I just need to be close to my family.

I’m not much in a writing mood since I’m so worried about my kitty… I really hope he starts eating soon…

Relationships and coming out

*yawns* I’m sleepy. But then I’m sleepy pretty much every day I have to wake up early lol. Blogger is not letting me into some blogs, anyone else having this problem? It´s so annoying.

A post from Angel girl made me want to tell you guys more of my story. So I’ve lived in Chile most of my life, and after college I went to live to the US (cause I was born there). So while I was there, I met this girl that I had been talking to online for a really long time, and we had become really close friends, and for the first time I realized “wow, I might have more feelings for her than just friendship”. That was quite a realization, I couldn’t really believe it at first, that I was falling in love with a woman. After like 8 months of living in San Diego, I moved upstate NY to be with her. Things with her were never easy, but I’m stubborn, and I loved her, or thought I did I’m not sure anymore, so I had to give things a try. But it didn’t work out, I lived with her for 2 years, and we would fight so much, things were really bad. So I came back to Chile, and I didn’t want to be with a girl again, cause my experience wasn’t really the best, plus I didn’t want to have to face my family telling them I was gay. I dated a few guys, but things never worked out, I have to say that I really tried dating guys, but I was just not happy with them, I never felt like I was in love.

So while I was trying to date guys, I met my actual girlfriend online, and things with her felt so right, and natural, and even though I was with her for just a week, I was completely happy then.

Angel girl, I’m sure it must be very hard that your parents still don’t know. I was really scared about telling my mom, but one day she just asked me, and of course I couldn’t deny it anymore. I know she’s not happy with it, but she sorta accepts it I think. My dad it totally cool about it, and my sister rocks, they just want me to be happy. My brother doesn’t know cause I really don’t get along with him. I think I’ll tell some of my friends when I actually have my girlfriend with me, I don’t really want to tell them before that. I know that a lot of my friends won’t take it that great, but I guess that shouldn’t matter as much.

I’m a little scared about my girlfriend moving here, I have to admit that. I mean, we were only together for a week, and she’s moving to a different country, she knows only a little spanish, so I know things won’t be exactly easy. I’m just hoping for the best for both of us.

Thanks everybody for your comments, I love reading them! :)

How I met my girlfriend

I am so upset today, I can’t think about anything else but how much I hate my job. I need to vent a little… Ok so I’m an architect, and I work at a place where the salaries are not fixed, so each month is different…. And this month… I got 60% of the salary I’m “supposed” to get… how freaking stupid is that??? I made so little money it’s almost ridiculous… I’m sooo pissed off, if it was easy to find another job I would quit… Ughhh!!

Anyway, onto a better subject… Some of you asked me how I met my girlfriend. So here’s the story. I used to go to a message board for some tv show, and I met a lot of friends there, from different countries, mostly the US. At first with L (I’ll just call her L) we were friends, but not best friends. After a while I got to know her better and we became really good friends, so we planned on me going to visit her. I went to NJ for a week, and well, let’s just say the “friends” thing just worked out for the first couple of days lol. After that we were definitely more than friends. It was really sad when I had to leave cause I didn’t know when I’d see her again. And it’s been a year and 2 months since then. We haven’t been able to see each other for different reasons, but we have plans of her moving over here in august. I really hope everything works out. It’s really hard but we love each other very much, and we want to be together. I think it’s amazing that she’s willing to move to a different country for me… she rocks. :) I love her so much.

You know what? I think I’m just gonna write this in English, there´s nobody reading in Spanish so far and it’s too much work lol.

ps: Can anyone tell me how to add links to the entries? Like make a word that´s a link? I don´t know a lot of html. Thanks!

Random thoughts - Pensamientos

First of all I wanted to thank everybody who posted. It made me really happy, and I love knowing that there’s people out there that can understand me, and that I have things in common with. With the people I know I always feel so out of place, when they talk about they husbands and kids. And people always ask me “when are you getting married” and I just roll my eyes.

I think and I hope that when my girlfriend is here with me things will be different. They might be harder cause I’ll just have to come out to more people than I have. Right now just my close family knows. None of my friends here know. Rejection scares me, but I think it would be easier if I have someone that loves me here with me. Right now I feel really lonely, even though I know I have a girlfriend far away that loves me, I miss having someone WITH me.

As you might know from my profile, I am from Chile, and seeing lesbian couples is not very usual here. And it’s not usual at all between the people I know. Whenever one of my friends talks about someone being gay it’s always in a negative way… I really wish people wouldn’t be so judgmental.

I’m starting to think that I complain too much lol. I’m sorry I’m just going through some hard times. I’ve only been trying to accept that I’m a lesbian for a few months, and being alone and not knowing anyone here that feels the way I do is just hard. The only persons I can talk to about everything are my sister and my dad. Yeah my dad is a really understanding person, even if it sounds weird, we have a great relationship. My sister is my best friend, but she’s gone for the summer, she’s working at the US so I don’t have a lot of people to talk to. Sooo I just ramble here for anyone that cares to read lol. ;)

I would love to feel “normal” … Does anyone out there who’s gay feel normal and accepted? Cause I sure don’t… and I wish I knew how to feel that way.

Anyway last night we had a good talk with my girlfriend about her moving here and all. We both have our fears and all, but we can’t wait til august so that she can be here with me. I really hope that everything works out.

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Primero que nada quiero agradecer a todos los que hicieron comentarios. Me puse muy contenta, me gusta saber que hay gente que me entiende, y con la que tengo cosas en común. Con las personas que yo conozco, siempre me siento fuera de lugar, cuando hablan de sus maridos e hijos. Y siempre me preguntan cuando me voy a casar, y yo solo los miro y pongo cara de “paciencia”.

Yo creo, y espero que cuando mi pareja esté aquí conmigo, las cosas van a ser diferentes. A lo mejor van a ser más difíciles, porque voy a tener que “salir del closet” con mas personas. Por ahora solo mi familia sabe, ninguna de mis amigas sabe nada. Me asusta el rechazo, pero creo que las cosas serían más fáciles si tuviera alguien que me quiera aquí conmigo. Ahora me siento muy sola, aunque tengo a mi pareja lejos, extraño mucho tener a alguien aquí, conmigo.

Como pueden saber por mi perfil, soy de Chile, y ver a parejas de lesbianas no es común aquí. Y no es para nada común entre mi circulo de amigos. Cada vez que sale el tema “gay” siempre es de una forma negativa. Me gustaría que la gente no fuera tan critica...

Estoy pensando que quizás me quejo mucho ja ja! Perdón, no es mi intención, pero estoy pasando por un tiempo difícil. Solo llevo pocos meses tratando de aceptar que soy lesbiana, y estar sola sin conocer a nadie aquí que se sienta como yo, es difícil. Las únicas personas con las que hablo de todo son mi hermana y mi papá. Mi papá es una persona muy comprensiva, y tenemos una muy buena relación. Mi hermana es mi mejor amiga, pero está trabajando todo el verano en USA, así es que no tengo mucha gente con quien conversar. Por eso escribo aca, para quien le interese leer! ;)

Me gustaría sentirme “normal”. No les pasa a veces el no sentirse normales y aceptadas?

Anoche tuvimos una buena conversación con mi pareja, sobre ella viniéndose a vivir acá. Las dos tenemos temores, pero no podemos esperar a que sea agosto y ella se venga. Espero de verdad que todo resulte bien.

Confusion

Estoy bastante cansada… y bajoneada, siento como que las cosas están estancadas en mi vida, que nada nuevo pasa… Se podría decir que tengo una pareja... pero es una relación de larga distancia, lo que no es nada fácil. Llevamos más de un año sin vernos, y se preguntarán, es posible mantener una relación así? No lo se, pero es lo único que tengo, y he estado tratando de que funcione. Ella es una persona bastante menor que yo, cosa que me preocupa a veces. Tenemos planes de que se venga a vivir para acá a mediados de este año, pero no sé si irá a suceder. Tampoco tengo la seguridad de que si se viene todo resulte, espero que si. Que piensan ustedes de que haya una diferencia de edad muy grande en una pareja? Es algo que pueda resultar? Yo solo quiero tener una pareja, y ser feliz con ella, estar muy enamorada. Porque he tenido muy pocas relaciones de pareja, he estado solo 2 con mujeres, y la relación anterior fue bastante mala. Yo no se, pero al parecer, las relaciones entre mujeres son más complicadas? No estoy segura. Si alguien tiene cualquier tipo de consejo es muy bienvenido. ________________________________________________________________ I’m really tired… and kinda down, I feel like things are stuck in my life, that nothing new happens… You could say I’m in a relationship... a long distance relationship, which is really hard. It’s been over a year without seeing each other, and you guys might ask, is it possible to have a relationship like this? I don’t know but it’s all I have, and I have been trying to make it work. She is a lot younger than I am, and that’s something that really worries me. We have plans for her to come live over here around august this year, but I don’t know if it’s going to happen or not. I can’t be sure that if she does come, everything is going to work out, I really hope they will. What do you guys think about a couple with a pretty big age difference? Can it work out? I just want to have a couple, and be happy and in love with her. I’ve had very few relationships, I’ve only been with 2 women, and the past relationship was pretty bad. I don’t know, but it seems to me that relationships between women are more complicated? I’m not sure. Any kind of advice will be more than welcome.

Soy Lesbiana - I´m a Lesbian

Los días pasan y parece que nada cambia en mi vida… tengo tanto que decir pero a veces me cuesta saber como decirlo… Soy lesbiana… eso, lo dije… o por lo menos creo que soy, me carga tener que etiquetarme dentro de algo. Pero me doy cuenta que me atraen mucho más las mujeres que los hombres, aunque muchas veces me confundo, pasan mil cosas por mi mente. La sociedad, lo que la gente va a pensar. No es fácil. Mi circulo de amistades son todas hetero, casadas, con hijos, y yo sigo sola… bueno no completamente sola, pero eso es cuento para otro día. Me cuesta asumir todo esto... asumir el no casarse, no tener una familia “convencional”, quizás no tener hijos… me siento super perdida la mayor parte del tiempo. Me gustaría conocer más gente que sintiera lo mismo que yo, para no tener que sentirme extraña y fuera de lugar todo el tiempo. Todas estas cosas están constantemente en mi cabeza, siempre pensando y sintiendo tantas cosas… y con muy pocas personas a las que se lo puedo comentar. Esa en gran parte la razón de este blog…

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Days go by and it seems like nothing changes in my life… I have so much to say but it’s hard to say it… I’m a lesbian… there, I said it. At least I think I am, I don’t like having to put “labels” in myself. But I realize that I’m attracted to women a lot more than I am to men, though many times I get confused, and many things go through my mind. Society, what people may think, it’s not easy. My friends are all straight, they have their families, kids, etc, and I’m alone… well not completely but we’ll talk about that some other time. It’s hard to accept all this… accept not getting married, not having a “conventional” family, maybe not having kids… I feel lost most of the time. I would love to meet people that felt the same way I do, so I wouldn’t have to feel “weird” and “out of place” all the time. All this things are constantly on my mind, always thinking and feeling so many things… and I have very few people I can talk openly to. This is the biggest reason for this blog…

Primera Entrada - First Entry

Hola a todos los que me puedan leer! En este blog me gustaría conocer nuevos amigos, y más que nada, poder desahogarme de todas las cosas que tengo dentro y que no comparto con nadie... Me gustaría saber sus opiniones acerca de lo que les cuente, y no se, sentirme que puedo decir lo que pienso y siento sin miedos... a ser rechazada y a muchas otras cosas. Espero que me vayan conociendo de a poco, y también yo ir conociendolos.

Necesito ir aprendiendo un poco de esto de los Blogs, porque no se nada! No se si voy a escribir en castellano, inglés o las dos cosas ja ja, me cargan las decisiones!

Nos estamos leyendo! :) Besos.

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This is my first attempt at having a Blog, I don´t know much about it. I´m not sure if I want to be writing it in english, spanish or both ha ha can´t make up my mind.

Basically, I´d like to share my thoughts and feelings on a lot of things that I usually don´t share with people I know. And I´d love to know your comments on what I have to say. That´s it for now, I hope you´ll get to know me and I´ll get to know some nice and cool people and maybe some friends.

:)